my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
