my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
