Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
