I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
