I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
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