he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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