her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
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