I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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