My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
