Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
