I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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