guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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