I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
