I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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