The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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