Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
