Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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