How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
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