K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
