He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Are my feet made of real feet?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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