i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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