My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
