I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
