New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
