I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
