don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
