can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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