we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
