I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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