Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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