Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
