Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
