I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
