My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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