I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Randomize
