Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
My pussy is not your playground.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
