We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
