Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
