How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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