Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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