Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
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