meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
