i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
