dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
