Betty ford says i'm here all night
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Why is there bacon in the couch?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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