You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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