you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
