Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
