he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
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I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
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Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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