Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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