She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
