i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
