You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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