i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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