What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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