In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
