What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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