guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
