So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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