Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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