Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
