oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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