We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
