Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
